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by InWayTooManyFandoms



Series: i'm just venting out my emotions [4]
Category: N/A - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-07 20:01:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19857217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InWayTooManyFandoms/pseuds/InWayTooManyFandoms
Summary: more of my depressed self venting…..please don't read if mentions of selfharm/ suicide may trigger you





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**Author's Note:**

> im just dumping this here, then im going to put my mind somewhere cushioned
> 
> im pretty sure im too weak/ strong to do anything about my life, so don't worry
> 
> and im going to book an appointment with my doctor so maybe I can get a proper diagnosis and some help from someone else other than the useless counsellor who basically told me to stop being depressed if I want to regulate my eating and sleeping patterns. and spoke in such a condescending way that illegitimated my state of being. I cant believe she was head of department. what good is a booklet of fakeness going to do? it sure as heck didn't help! it felt like you tried to treat a broken leg with a book that read 'think about the good times before your leg was broken'. I got more help from the internet than you. and everything you said to me? regurgitated from things ive read online. I know I need to try. but its so hard when you've trivialised it. its so hard when I don't have the energy to do so. its so hard when I don't see the point
> 
> I just need to know if im actually depressed, if im actually suicidal or if its just 'a phase', if its just 'when I was your age I didn't have what you have, so you should be happy', or 'youre a leo, you guys are all dramatic', 'it happens to everyone'

no one knows me

not even I know me

everyone knows a piece of me. a piece of me I created just for them. a piece of me I created for a group. a piece of me from the past

there's so many versions of me that I don't know how to put the pieces together. not all the pieces have been made yet

this is going to sound cringy no matter how I put it. but losing my social media account was like losing a piece of me. I wasn't ready to part with the honesty I had displayed there. the transparency of myself. I think its the closest ive ever gotten to accepting my existence

every online account I have is a different piece of myself. that's why I have so many

every friendship I have is a different piece of the puzzle, that's why I surround myself with so many people. I need to find all the pieces

my personality is erratic. I know

theres so many things I want to say, but the words aren't forming on the page. theyre stuck somewhere in the recess of my mind

like, the fact that when you say "I want to die" as a joke and it hits different when its true. its never hit different. then I realised I always meant it. that my cry for death to consume me had been with me for a while. I want to die

can I die?

Yes

when can I die?

I mean I don't want to live. im not living for anyone, for anything. I know this. I wish I was. am. 

so when can I go?

when nobody cares, so nobody is hurt? when is that? when ive lived all the good moments? how will I know?

why not now

I know many ways to die. to cease. to rest.

it only takes a few minutes to bleed out, depending where you cut

there's bridges nearby. it would help if I wasn't afraid of heights. but death will be there to catch me, I hope

if it doesn't and I have to recover from almost parting with life, then I wont trust death. death wasn't there when I needed them, and I wont want to meet with death again. I will be flung back into the clutches of life

every house has a kitchen, every kitchen has a knife

overdosing is so accessible. I know someone who did, I know others who wanted to

when youre young, they always say it's a tragic death. every death is tragic, no matter the age

rip they say. rest in pieces I shall

the piece of me that people hold, that's what im worried about. I wish they would let go

so when I go I can be forgotten

and be thrown like ashes in the wind


End file.
